Chapter 2: Acknowledge Your Feelings
Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth.
Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth.
~Benjamin Disraeli
Eyes that do not cry do not see.
Eyes that do not cry do not see.
–Swedish proverb
[P]eople will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.
-Maya Angelou
There are a ton of feelings we all have surrounding this issue. Talk about yours. How does it feel when someone makes a thoughtless remark about their perception of your speech or behavior? Sad? Hurt? Angry? Frustrated? Nonchalant? How do you manage your feelings? Do you lash out? Do you hide your feelings or withdraw? Do you handle your feelings differently now than when you were a child?
When I was younger (and even now at times), I withdraw when my feelings are hurt or when I get angry, which I believe are related. I heard somewhere once that the main reason people get angry is because they feel hurt, and I couldn't agree more with that statement!
ReplyDeleteHowever, through the years and since I have graduated from graduate school, I have discovered this inner voice that speaks up every once in a while, more so than when I was younger. This voice is filled with confidence and speaks out against injustice and lashes out anger strikes from time to time.
I do feel frustrated when people comment on my behavior and speech (from a cultural point of view) because I feel like they just do not get it and saddened that most never will get it. They will continue to pass on the ignorance that plagues this country, ane even this world, unfortunately.
I agree with Maya Angelou's quote because although people forgive actions and words, it is indeed difficult to forget how someone makes you feel (good or bad). Unfortunately, we as humans tend to remember the negative experiences more than the positive ones.
As a child my feelings would get hurt easily and sometimes I would go to my room and cry. Through the years I just built a wall up around me and I don't show how I feel. So when I was around eight or nine I started writing in my journal to express my feelings.
ReplyDeleteI have learned how to remove my emotional wall and not let anyone hurt my feelings anymore. Now I just speak my mind and I don't hold my feelings back. I don't lash out I say what I have to say then I am done with it. I am a positive person and all the negative people that were once in my life a keep at a distance. Just cause they intentionally true to hurt my feelings because they are miserable.
When I was very young, I was very hurt by this. I was picked on bt some popular kids because of the way I spoke, the advanced academic classes I took, the subjects of my conversations, and my interests. Along with the "talking white", I was accused of "trying to be white" because I excelled academically, conversed about politics, world events, the arts, etc., and listened to Classical and Country music as well as what people call "black music". This was always baffling to me because music is a sound and not a color.
ReplyDeleteThe big influence for me was my mother as she celebrated and taught me to celebrate ME. When I had expressed my frustration and hurt feeling, she told me that those kids were jealous of me.
I will admit that I also believe that growing up in an affluent and educated family provided me with different skills and perspectives.
For example, my maternal grandfather, born in 1906 Alabama, was a Doctor of Theology. My great-great maternal grandmother, born in pre-civil war Alabama, was formally educated and became a teacher. My point...education has been a priority in my life all my life based on family expectations.
As I matured, the hurt lessened and the pity grew. I realized that those attacking me were beneath me and this made me pity them. I know that sounds pompous, however; economic and social divides are a huge part of the problem. How?
As a youngster, I wanted to be liked and hang out with the popular people. Living in a small town, lower economic people lived in a different (still close) place than the more affluent people. Add the racial divisions in a small town and this is compounded. My family only wanted me to associate with people in my same station in life. Of course, the most popular kids at school came from the lower economic group. When I ventured into their world, at school, conversationally, I was exposed to the hurtful attacks. If I associated with children from families like mine, the jealously and hurtful attacks were not an issue, they didn't happen.
I am not saying that all economically challenged people are ignorant or attack others in gereal. My experience is a personal one. The point I want to make is that for me, race or racism is not a sole contributor to the attacks and socio-economic differences may be just as important but less talked about.
As an adult, I have the luxury of choosing who I will associate with and due to my education I am not subject to attacks in the work place.
I have learned over the years to not be ashamed of how I feel and to embrace my feelings, good or bad. So often as a womano fo color, we have to be strong and it is a badge of honor to not let anything get to you. Not to let them see you sweat or to see you cry. I had to leave that alone because I was inernalizing the feelings and they were eating me up. My emotions are ther truth, if that means a commerical makes me cry, so be it. I have also learned that for me if I am hesitant to show my emotions to you, I have very few if any emotions for that person. It is a real indicator for me.I want and need to be with someone who I can be comfortable around in all my moods and not feel threatened when I feel vulnerable.
ReplyDeleteI guess I've reacted differently at different times in my life.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was in junior high, I knew that I would be teased, so I hid my grades, acted out a little in class and failed tests so that I could be in the remedial classes with my friends.
In high school, when my mother forced me to take college prep classes I was the subject of lots of comments from my neighborhood friends. The way I handled it was to distance myself from them. I stopped hanging out with them and started dressing different -- more "white" (not chola)
In my honors classes I was being told mean things by the white kids there since I was the only Mexican...to try to stop that I pretended that I was 1/2 white -- then maybe I'd fit in. My dad wasn't in the picture and I had a non-conventional Spanish surname, so everyone bought it. It helped a little.
Now, as an adult, I just ignore the comments or smile like it's a joke and try to forget it. Okay, so maybe I complain to my husband about it :)
When I was younger, I had to deal with my peers commenting on the way I speak. I don't remember getting too upset. Nowadays, I realize my sister and my mother are constantly making fun of my speech. I really hate it. I feel like this is who I am now and I defintely won't change.
ReplyDeleteI am really annoyed by their comments. I could be having a conversation with one of them and they burst out laughing at they way I said something. I think to myself, "Well how should I have said that?" or "What was so wrong with it?" I almost never say these things to them though because I think its pointless. I simply sigh, shake my head, and continue with what I was saying.
When someone makes remarks about my speech or behavior I try as often as I can to turn it into a positive thing. I just try to see it as a compliment (like for example when "white people" tell me I speak/act in a "good way"), but of course that is not always possible. When other people tell me I should stop acting white, I get angry because I ask myself why these kind of things are still happening in 2009. It can get pretty frustrating. However, I always make sure that people can't see my anger (or at least I hope they can't see my anger), because I don't want people who put me down to see what their words have caused.
ReplyDeleteAs a child it really got to me because I was split in so many worlds. I have a remarkable background and sometimes when people told me I didn't act like a Indian or South-American I felt so bad because I couldn't decide what was good or bad. My parents always told me that I should take very bit of culture that is presented to me with me and to always remember I am a Hindu at heart but even nowadays I feel bad when someone gives me a look of judgement and decides I am a wannabe-white person and that is the only reason I speak and act "white".
In response to the quote "Eyes that do not cry do not see." I want to see I fully agree. I also think that when you go trough something as being bullied or constantly being judged because you act white will make you a stronger person in the end. For instance: I may have cried when I was a lot younger and "torn in those worlds" (sounds so dramatic), but now I know so much better and I feel a lot stronger.
I also want to see I agree with "[P]eople will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." because it is the feeling that counts. When somebody says nice things but they have a mean undertone you will always remember the feeling they gave you and that is the one that will stick with you.
Growing up when people attacked me regarding the way I speak or act I'd normally lash out. I've since learned that most people say things to hurt you to get you upset so that you will stoop to their immaturity. Now, I'm more reserved in how I handle my feelings when I'm confronted in a situation where someone is attacking me. I've learned how to not let it affect me as much and still put them in their place at the same time. It took awhile for me to get to this point only because I got caught in a phase where I'd let people continuously say things and I'd act nonchalant until I couldn't take it anymore and I'd just go off. But I found my balance now and I'd rather pull someone to the side and confront them about it than going off and making myself look bad.
ReplyDeleteUpon hearing a thoughtless remark about my speech or behavior when I was younger, I would withdraw. The comments hurt - I have a dark complexion so there was no doubt in my mind which race I belonged to. I was taken aback by the notion that I was somehow akin to white people, and had to figure out what my accusers were referencing. Why did they feel I didn't belong, or that my behaviors made me not fully a member of the African American race?
ReplyDeleteInstead of trying to force the issue, and prove my "Blackness", I found it easier to become friends with my white peers. They were typically my classmates in school, as myself and one other Black boy were the "token" gifted students. There's a term I'd forgotten - token. Growing up in the South, there was only a certain amount of time where being close friends with a Black girl would be tolerated by a white family. Eventually, with the introduction of activities like yearbook and newspaper staff, typing and PE classes, I got to interact more with peers from my own race and form friendships. Their behaviors changed, as did the look of our cafeteria - whites on one side, us on the other.
Now that my daughters get the comments on "you speak just like your Mom" or the compliments on how "well" they speak from white ladies, it hurts a bit more. You would hope that those behaviors would have changed by now, but they are still alive and well. The difference - I'm sure of who I am, and I am certain that they know who they are, too. If anything, we feel sorry for those people who think such absurdities and would present them to strangers, ignorantly, as compliments.
When I was much younger I would get angry (and sometimes confused) when people would make remarks about the way I spoke or the type of music I liked. I was confused, because I couldn't understand why someone had to fit into a defined set of rules to be black or white. I was angry because I've always had a problem with people judging others. In the past I would let my anger get the best of me and respond with a nasty remark. Many of the people who accused me of trying to be something other than black, because of the way I spoke, couldn't even construct a decent sentence so I would point this out while defending myself. I didn't understand then and still don't understand how using proper grammar came to be associated with white people.
ReplyDeleteNow that I'm older these comments don't bother me at all...I don't feel the need to defend myself under any circumstances. In fact, I feel really sorry for people who believe they need speak or act a certain way to be black. My kids have had some of the same experiences with their peers that I had, but thank goodness they are quite comfortable with who they are.
I love Maya Angelou's quote. I think it is so true. When someone makes a thoughtless remark, I really try and take the time to evaluate the situation. I try and gauge the person's motives and intentions. Were they really trying to attack me on purpose? Or did they make a mistake? And then I try and figure out what is the best way to solve the problem? I love to talk to people and often times I will speak up and tell the person that they made an offensive comment. I ask the person if they knew that they made a comment that was disrespectful? After that, I try and do my best to explain how the comment made me feel and provide ways to remedy the situation. I've been in several situations where people have made comments that were rude, hurtful, mean, and several times they had to do with race or language. It doesn't make me feel good but I also see the opportunity that I have to try and help the person and perhaps share something new about my background that the person did not know. I believe that education combined with compassion can really help a person change for the better.
ReplyDeleteWhen someone makes a thoughtless remark, I turn it around on them. If they say I am very articulate, I remark that they are very articulate as well. I try to understand that the person truly believes they are complimenting me, but I don't see it as a compliment to indicate that an articulate Black woman is a rarity.
ReplyDeleteAs a child, I wasn't so direct. I tended to get angry and hurt at being teased and I held my feelings inside.
KimMM
Here’s another quote to consider: “Tears are the road of the heart opening.” Mirabai
ReplyDeleteI have to agree with some of the other Followers - the Maya Angelou quote is really true. I can never remember the exact subject or words exchanged when I argue with my partner - but I remember the feeling. ;>
“How does it feel…?”
I’ll answer this in regards to what I get now about the way I speak – that I’m “articulate” and “well-spoken.” I feel disappointed. Later I may feel angry. When I am complimented this way, especially after meeting folks for the first time, I am reminded that, for many people, I stick out. I am reminded that I probably am not what they expected in a black woman, in terms of my voice.
“How do you manage your feelings?”
In my mind I’ve acted out addressing the issue, and different ways to do it that make folks feel comfortable while at the same time helping them to understand why I don’t think being called “articulate” is a compliment. But so far, I haven’t had the gumption to try one of them on someone (and it’s happened twice since I first brainstormed what to say). Perhaps one day…
“Do you handle your feelings differently now than when you were a child?” Definitely. As a child I felt deeply ashamed of myself and my voice because of what other kids said about me. I hid my grades when tests were returned so other kids wouldn't get mad. I hid some of the music I liked because it's not "black music." As an adult I’ve learned enough to know that it’s the OTHER people who have the problem, not me. I am so grateful for the wisdom that's come with age, and the confidence. I'm so much more sure of myself as an adult, and I’ve completely – or 98% - shaken off the residual pain I associated with “acting white.”
Your emotional response to a comment, action, or experience is the basis for your opinion. It took me a long time to understand that. I had to acknowledge my true feelings. It is like learning to "trust your gut" as my husband says.
ReplyDeleteI never trusted my first feeling growing up. I always second guessed myself. Whether it was answering a question or picking out my clothes for the day. My mother was wonderful and kept reminding me that I am the only one who truly knows how to feel good about myself and the things around me. But I didn't believe her. I had to learn to trust myself and change how I reacted. Which was a difficult thing to change in my life. But once I learned to "trust my gut" I was able to better understand the situation and find the proper response (whether to walk away, say yes or a right hook).
I completely agree with the Maya Angelou quote. I will never forget the feelings associated with certain people or events in my life. I also agree with Benjamin Desraeli - one should not apologize for the truth - even if it hurts. I have also learned not to apologize for my first reaction (which often can create conflict in my life). If I am truly feeling a certain way I have spoken up and let it out. It has helped more than hurt any situation.