I'd also like to say that the word "bully" in the context of this entire dialogue means teasing, taunting, name calling and/or being pushed around physically. By way of example, one focus group participant mentioned that she was never bullied, but in another post mentioned that she would go into her room crying when she was teased. I believe that there are degrees to bullying and being teased is certainly one of them. Hope that helps.
That being said...
Chapter 5: Hang out with Like Minds
or
Hang out with True Friends
What is a friend? I will tell you...it is someone with whom you dare to be yourself.
Frank Crane
Few delights can equal the mere presence of someone we utterly trust.
George MacDonald
Do most of the people you currently socialize with sound like you when they speak? What about when you were growing up? If there are some that don't sound like you, does it ever present a problem? Does everyone in your family speak the way that you do? Have any of your family members ever teased you? If so, how did/do you handle it? Have you ever lost a friend because he/she thought you were talking or behaving a certain way?
Have you ever or do you now avoid certain social situations? [Example: I know a 22 year old college graduate Brown Girl with a great job. Good head on her shoulders, etc. When she comes across a group of her African-American peers, she tends to shy away from the group for fear of being teased.]
Do you correct people (including family members) when they use English (or any language) improperly?
Which one of the two titles above would you suggest as a coping mechanism for a child needing a way to cope?
Hang out with Like Minds or Hang out with True Friends?
ReplyDeleteSomehow, for me, this is the same. Because of the way I was treated growing up, teased for the way I spoke, dressed, for what books I read or music I listened to...my true friends are of like mind. When I say like mind, I don't mean identical but we have a lot in common and celebrate our diversity. My true friends get that I love country music and can 2 step...my true friends love that because of my mixed heritage I can cook collard greens AND gnocchi...my true friends understand that the way I speak is intelligent.
Most of my family speak the same way I do. We are a family of orators and scholars and love to talk. We come from all parts of America so our accents are slightly different but as far as grammar and eloquence goes, we share this.
I do tend to correct people when they speak as it is like someone scratching their fingernails down a chalk board to my ears. As I have grown older, I don't correct people as much but the compelling feeling is still there.
My 6 year old daughter is a talker as well. She had been saying Libary instead of Library and I corrected her each time she missed it. She is conscious about her language because I make it a point for her to say words correctly.
The people I socialize with tend to sound like me. I don't really know why. I don't seek out people who talk like me but I guess I gravitate towards them.
I haven't lost any friends because of my speech. I have a small circle of friends that I have had for many years and they accept me the way I am and I them. I believe that acceptance is the basis of friendship. If someone didn't want to be my friend because of the way I speak then they are not worthy of being my friend.
No, most of the people I socialize with do not sound like me. When I was growing up there was one other kid that did speak the same way as myself that I did socialize with. The way that I speak did not present a problem for me growing up until I started to socialize outside of my close circle of friends, and some of my family members did not care for the way that I spoke, and the ones that did not appreciate it then still do not appreciate it now. The majority of my family members do not talk like I do. The family members that don't talk like me are very narrow minded individuals. Now whenever I get teased which it only happens at a family gathering, I simply don't respond it dosen't even bother me anymore. I have not lost any friends because the way that I speak, the same group of friends that I had growing up are the same friends that I now, and I have a few more friends that I have gained over the years.
ReplyDeleteI do not avoid certain social situations. As an adult I am comfortable in my own skin just being myself. I can get along with just about anyone. The teasing doesn't bother me anymore.
I only correct my younger sisters and little cousins when the use improper English. And whenever I do correct them I let them know it is important to use proper English because you do not want to be judged as being ignorant.
Hang out with true friends, is the coping mechanism that I would use for a child needing to cope. Your true friends will accept you no matter what.
Most of the people I socialize with do sound like me; including my family. When I was growing up, however, this wasn't the case. Teasing ensued from peers in my cousin's neighborhood, Gardena, CA, when I was very young. I used to spend time there in the summer and I didn't speak like the others. Plus, I went to a Baptist Day School, so I didn't curse. That also made me different.
ReplyDeleteI try not to correct people when they use poor grammar, but sometimes that is honestly difficult for me. Having taught English for several years, I have a hard time overlooking poor grammar. I met a man once who I found very attractive, but as soon as I heard a subject and a verb in a sentence he uttered that did not agree, I stopped listening to him! My ears couldn't take it as he was speaking to a crowd of people and dispensing advice.
KimMM
Most of my friends are like me. Some never met a split verb they didn't like. I am drawn to all kinds of people. If I want people to accept all aspects of me, shouldn't I do the same?
ReplyDeleteToday, yes, my small circle of friends sound almost exactly like me. I wonder if I kinda gravitated towards that. Two of my best friends grew up just like me...Mexican but cant't speak Spanish and just learning in college and afterward. Most of our (broken) Spanish is spoken to parents of our students. My third best friend is white. Interesting when I stop to think about it.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was growing up I tried to act one way with my neighborhood friends and another with my school college prep friends. Although with my neighborhood friends Spanish wasn't so much the issue as a type of barrio culture that I was beginning to not fit into.
As for my family, I'm the only one in my whole family that went to 4 yr college, so I sound and look different than the rest. Everyone from siblings, cousins, uncles, etc. are still immersed in that barrio culture and dressing like old school cholos and cholas. They don't come right out and tease me but I think they treat me different when I'm around. They don't hang out with me, they'll say things like "ask Gaby she's smart". Or, "when I saw you sitting there I thought who's that white girl at my house?" Comments that I don't consider to be bullying, but maybe they are.
I NEVER correct my family's grammar, although in my head it drives me nuts! "sangwich, anyways etc, think George Lopez jokes--they ring true!)
The only social situations that I try to avoid are talking to the mothers at my kids school. I've written before about Tijuana Socialites that for me feel hard to live up to.
I think the title I like the most is Hang out with True Friends. A true friend doesn't have to think just like you, but will be supportive in you no maatter how you think, talk, act, etc.
Most of the people I currently socialize with (with the exception of maybe one or two of my friends) sound like me. However, I feel like I can completely be myself around those exceptions, without the fear or a second thought of being mocked or laughed at because of who I am. So, I never lost friends because of my behavior or how I spoke.
ReplyDeleteGrowing up, all of my friends sounded like me, but ironically most of my family did not sound like me. I've been called "white girl" several times by some of my cousins. It annoyed me, but I always tried to not dwell on it and give it as little attention as possible. Instead, I would laugh it off, but I never lost focus of who I was or altered my behavior or speech. My immediate family never made fun of me. It was one of my older sisters who was actually a role model for me and a sense of encouragement for me to be the best person I could be.
In undergrad, I majored in Journalism and minored in English, so grammatical and speech errors peeve me. Often I wanted to correct people (especially loved ones) when they said something improperly, but I hesistated depending on where we were (other people who they do not know/mixed company) because I didn't want to sound like a know-it-all. I correct my mom and my sister I mentioned before because they are more welcoming to correction.
I believe "Hang Out With Like Minds" would be a better fit because it encompasses an array of people for one to surround himself or herself. These individuals include family members (some on a more regular basis), friends, colleagues, mentors and the list goes on. All of these people would provide support, guidance and a positive influence for a person.
I have friends from a variety of backgrounds, cultures, etc... so most of my friends do not sound the same when they talk. When I was growing up, I noticed the difference in speech when I went from elementary to middle school because I went to school in a different neighborhood. However, I managed to maintain my friends from my home community and make new friends at my new school.
ReplyDeleteAs far as friends... some have come and gone and others have remained over time. Most of the time, I never lost friends because of speech but often times other drama often destroyed some of my friendships. However, I have always been the type to believe that people come in your life for a reason, season, or a lifetime... so if I lost a friend, I accepted it and could move on.
At times, I do find myself correcting some of my friends or family. However, it doesn't happen that often because I think its important for people to be able to express themselves in a comfortable manner.
As far as the two titles... hang out with true friends instead of like minds is the best way for children to cope. True friends offer an opportunity to grow and develop and learn from other experiences. True friends are often honest and open with you and will say what you need to hear instead of what you want to hear. True friends help you build your character... engage you meaningful conversation... and help you stay accountable. True friends will not judge you or make you feel uncomfortable. True friends also have your best interests in mind and want the best for you. They want you to be happy and they help you stay that way.
Most of the people I socialize with sound like me, and also have similar backgrounds. It was the same when I was growing up - other than some had a Southern drawl.
ReplyDeleteEveryone in my immediate family speaks as I do. We were just at a family reunion, however, and there were several comments on how my children spoke "proper". I've never been teased by family members for the way I speak, although I did receive the same acknowledgement as the girls that I spoke "proper".
I've never lost a friend because of my speech or behavior, nor have I avoided situations because I would feel uncomfortable.
I definitely correct grammatical mistakes, respectfully, when I hear them. My Mom did the same to me, and I do so with close friends, my children and my husband.
Hanging out with true friends is most important. A true friend will challenge and nurture you - accepting who you are while seeing your potential and pushing you towards it.
All of the women in my family are talkers. I come from several generations of articulate women. My mother never spoke to me like a baby growing up, but as an adult. So when she and I used to argue- it was a debate. when my brothers tried to get a later curfew - it was a debate. But Mom would win - she was amazing like that. But more than that - she knew how to show us where we lost our debate and how to learn from our grammatical or speech mistakes. Correcting our grammar if we were going to state our displeasure at the new curfew time.
ReplyDeleteMy parents used to joke that my brothers and I ran a mini united nations because we had kids and adults from every walk of life as our friends. Accents or not - we all knew how to communicate with each other and shared like minds. I have some amazing people in my life at a young age. We are good friends to this day and share like minds and different ways of speaking. Others have come and gone and were there during the times I needed them and they needed me. But all have been somewhat like minded individuals - no one dominate culture but consistent ideals and values.
I have corrected someone's speech or grammar when I felt the time was appropriate. I have corrected my husband and I still do because he is not very well spoken but is not ignorant. I correct my daughters because as a poster person wrote - you do not want to be perceived as ignorant because your grammar is not correct. As I said - I try to choose the right times to correct or wait for another time.
So I prefer the title hanging with like minds - because I think that is eventually what we may all gravitate towards - someone one that understands us, agrees and still corrects our grammar. And we thank them for it. :)
When it comes to my family and my friends, some of us sound the same, and others don't. When I was much younger I would hear comments from family members or friends about the way I speak, but now that many years have passed, and people have grown up, I don't hear those comments anymore.
ReplyDeleteI am VERY careful about correcting people, and can honestly say that the only people I correct now are my children. I do that, because it is the responsibility of my husband and I to make sure they use proper grammar. In the past I would yearn to correct family members, co-workers or friends, only because I didn't want others to think poorly of them. However, I learned from their reactions to being corrected by others, that most people SEEM to prefer to mangle the English language than to be corrected. We are talking about speaking on this forum, but we could do an entire blog on the written word as well. Hello??!!..has anyone had the experience of working with educated, successful people who could not construct a decent sentence? It's really sad, but many people write exactly the way they speak..no punctuation and no hint that a grammar lesson was ever had.
Sorry to digress, but I just had to get that off my chest. Anyway...as for the topic I say true friends all the way. It's nice to hang sometimes with people of like minds, but for the most part, I find it boring and VERY limiting. I like...no I NEED to expose myself to several points of view and ways of thinking at all times.
I can have a wonderful conversation hanging out with people of like minds. We can have a great dialogue and agree with one another and I can leave that group of people feeling really "understood".
However, I feel "real" and safer emotionally among true friends, because a true friend in every sense of the word will love you and protect your heart regardless of any differences of opinions you may have. You can be yourself at all times with true friends. A true friend loves you regardless of how you speak. It won't matter if others think you sound too white or too black...a friend hears your heart; they hear the person they know and love.
I LOVE it when I get together with my true friends and look around at this group of women who will love and support one another to the death. I look at them and see a stay at home mom, a doctor, a corporate executive, a construction worker,an airline stewardess, a secretary, a graduate student and a teacher. A few of us may be of like minds on some topics if all the stars are in alignment, but for the most part we will probably never agree totally on child rearing, capital punishment, affirmative action, abortion, religion and a whole array of topics we've argued that is too long to list here. BUT they are true friends, who I can trust and confide in and who will support one another at all times.
This is probably my favorite of the coping strategies, because I don’t think anyone – young or not so young – can “make it through” alone. I stopped feeling like a freak when I met my best friend in 9th grade – a whip-smart African-American girl who was one of the top students in the school and had an unabashed love for Morrissey (although I couldn’t quite get with that, as I was still a total R&B fanatic in love with Ralph Tresvant from New Edition, and George Michael – back when he was black and straight j/k). I observe many more kids like that these days – black girls and boys in skinny jeans with skateboards and Fall Out Boy t-shirts. I hope that their paths are easier than mine and I feel it will be because of one thing: the internet. The internet has flattened the world in such a way that it’s so much easier to see black people from all over the country and all over the world and appreciate how diverse we truly are. It probably works for other ethnic groups, too. And how there’s always someone who’s into the same things you are, or had many of your same experiences (like in this forum). ; )
ReplyDeleteContinued -
ReplyDeleteDo most of the people you currently socialize with sound like you when they speak?
At this point in my life, with my best friends cemented and not likely to be added to, I’d have to say yes. They’re my friends from high school and college. I have friends who don’t sound/speak the way I do, but our education levels are similar, so we have lots to talk about. I’ve discovered that it’s not so much class that separates me from some folks who speak differently, but education level.
What about when you were growing up? If there are some that don't sound like you, does it ever present a problem? Does everyone in your family speak the way that you do?
From K-8 I generally was the only one, or one of the only two girls who spoke the way I did. My family is all educated folks, and there’s a mix of folks who have strong Louisiana accents, and others (my dad, my mom’s brother), who don’t. That has always fascinated me – why some folks, even in the same nuclear family, have different ways of speaking.
Have any of your family members ever teased you? If so, how did/do you handle it?
I have had family members repeat something I’ve said and mock the way I said it, but no one’s explicitly said anything about “talking white.” I was gently teased for being super-talkative and a bit of a know-it-all, but with a lot of love behind it.
Have you ever lost a friend because he/she thought you were talking or behaving a certain way?
Not applicable to me.
Have you ever or do you now avoid certain social situations? [Example: I know a 22-year-old college graduate Brown Girl with a great job. Good head on her shoulders, etc. When she comes across a group of her African-American peers, she tends to shy away from the group for fear of being teased.]
Social situations give me fits in the best of circumstances, but as a younger woman I am ashamed to say that I avoided some gatherings that were heavily African-American (especially in college). I’ve also tried to avoid having my voice recorded – used to hate to hear it. One thing I do now that I’m trying to stop is the code switching I often employ when interacting with elders. I start ma’am- and sir-ing – and it’s not that those things aren’t respectful and good – but I don’t usually say ma’am and sir, so it’s artificial that I just do it with black folks. It’s more an example of my nervousness, and my wanting to be accepted by them and not singled out because of the way my voice sounds.
I was once in a Western Union office in a small black college town waiting for some official document. There was another black female in the office waiting in line behind me. I remember thinking that I didn’t want to speak too loudly when I was with the agent because I didn’t want her to hear me speak. I imagined she would look at me funny. I even had weird thoughts that she would ridicule me (when I lived in this town for 5 years, I was frequently asked where I was from, because folks just knew I couldn’t be from there). On her turn the woman came up to the counter and opened her mouth and this high-pitched squeak came out! She had a voice just like me (higher, actually). I laughed inwardly and felt really good…and it taught me to tamp down on my assumptions about other black folks.
Do you correct people (including family members) when they use English (or any language) improperly?
Aaaaaah – how did you know?!?! I was HORRIBLE about this as a child. My mother and grandmother were grammar Nazis and used to pounce on any mistake I made, so I hope that I was just modeling behavior I’d experienced. But looking back, I know that I was really rude in some instances. In the past 5-7 years I’ve finally stopped. I know now to correct someone only if it’s super important.
Which one of the two titles above would you suggest as a coping mechanism for a child needing a way to cope?
Personally, I like “Hang Out with True Friends” better – it’s their loyalty and support, not necessarily the fact that they agree with you that matters IMO.