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Hello Ladies...
Forgive my delay. No excuses. I'm just busy as a bee and need a clone. Thanks goodness I recently found a new assistant that can help me. I'm still training her, but I'm not quite sure how I got along without her for so long. =)
In any event, if you completed this blog, you are entitled to some fun freebies from OBG. Kindly send your contact info (and size) to info@onebrowngirl.com with Talking White in the subject line.
Since I am leaving soon for a 3 week vacation, my goal is to get your gear out to you before September 20. If I am unable to do so, I'll let you know. But please, rest assured that I will follow through with my promise; I just might need you to be a little more patient with me.
Thanks (again) for everything!
Sincerely,
Tracey
1BG

Fini!

I can't believe 4 weeks has gone by this quickly. Wow.

Your responses to my queries have been extremely thought-provoking. I learned alot and alot was reiterated. The whole issue of "talking/acting White" has been minimized for quite some time and for some reason I feel a need to do what little I can to help children cope; even if it's just one child.

If you could do a few things for me, that would be great:

1. Please go back over your responses one last time and make any amendments you deem necessary. I have seen some answers that did not answer the question and I need as much info as possible to make this project successful. Please complete all of your responses by no later than July 24 so that you are eligible to redeem compensation for your participation.

2. Kindly provide a summary about this focus group experience and how it made you feel.

3. Are there any other coping mechanisms that you think has been left out? If so, I want to hear about it! =)

4. Join OBG on Facebook. =)

There will likely be one last posting...on Monday.

Until then...

Chapter 14: Where to Start

Chapter 14 (the last coping mechanism) is likely going to be Chapter 1.

Chapter 1

Start with You

Even if you have never said that someone was "acting or talking White," some of us have (even if we don't do it anymore), and I think it would be fair to say that some kids have as well...even the ones that have been the victim of namecalling. Saying it can be a way for a kid to to fit in or even an unconscious remark spoken casually and obviously without much thought. There a number of inappropriate words and phrases that people use casually, aren't there? The purpose of the book is not to outwardly admonish anyone who has done so; it is simply to give people something to think about. You cannot give people insights; just stuff to think about.

So, where does this dialogue all begin? I think that first and foremost, it begins with each of us personally. You know: the whole Michael Jackson Man in the Mirror concept.

I'm Starting With The Man In The Mirror

I'm Asking Him To Change His Ways

And No Message Could Have Been Any Clearer

If You Wanna Make The World A Better Place

Take A Look At Yourself,

And Then Make A Change.

How we think; how we react; and how we behave is all up to us at the end of the day. What do you think? Can how we view ourselves help us cope with how the world views us?

We have been conditioned to think/believe that saying that someone talks or acts White is nothing to get upset about. The subject has been minimized; do you agree? Have you ever felt foolish for being annoyed by the thoughtless comments?

Chapter 13: Go Shopping...

Smiling...

Go Shopping...for a Mentor! is the 13th coping mechanism (snickering). Although a day at my favorite boutique does relieve a little stress and worry, that's not the message I'm trying to send. (Particularly since certain behaviors (like shopping) only relieve stress temporarily anyway, right? Maybe I'll put "Shop Til You Drop" as a subheading under the "Vent" coping mechansim; just kidding. Hehehehe.)

Did you have a mentor?
Do you believe in mentors?
What is the value of a mentor?
What kind of people are good mentors?
Do you think a mentor can help a young person cope?

Chapter 12: Forgiveness

I could probably post well over 1,000 quotes about the topic of forgiveness, right? Instead, and since it's feedback I'm looking for, I will ask instead that you provide me with 3 forgiveness quotes that you believe to be true.

Do you forgive the people that have taunted and teased you for saying that you talk or act White? If you have, how and why? If you have not, why not?

Are there steps to forgiveness? Or do you simply make the decision to forgive someone and it's a done deal?

The Final Stretch

Sooo...we're in the final stretch; this is the beginning of the third week with next week being the final week. This is going by fast. I just want to say thanks again for being a part of this group. You have given me a great deal to consider...and you're a part of something that matters.

Kindly be certain that you have completed all of your responses by July 19. Have a great day!

Chapter 11: Smiles & Laughter

Of course, we have all heard that laughter is the best medicine, and I tend to agree. Both smiles and laughter can lighten a burden, inspire hope, and simply make you feel good.

Many moons ago, I dated a famous comedian that had a pretty challenging upbringing. Like many comedians, he found a way to find humor in his own personal circumstance. I remember being extremely upset about not getting booked for a job I wanted and I fell to pieces upon hearing the bad news. I went into the bathroom, sat on the floor and cried. I was a mess. After he checked to see if I was okay (and not physically hurt), Mr. Comedian broke out into uncontrollable laughter. OMG...I was soooo insulted and hurt. He coerced me from my spot in the corner, got me to stand up and look at myself in the mirror...and (laughing now)...I looked TERRIBLE. Within seconds, we were both standing in the mirror laughing hysterically at my snotty nose, my bloodshot eyes, my runny mascara and my messed up hair. Ooooo...I looked baaaaad. That was the day (over 20 years ago) I learned to laugh at myself...and I haven't taken myself very seriously ever since. =)

With the understanding that being taunted and teased is NO FUN, can you find any humor in it?

What do you do to make yourself smile or laugh?

Do you believe that laughter is the best medicine?

Chapter 10: Excellence

The 10th coping mechanism is to Continue to Excel. There is a tendency to want to "fit in" when you're young (and sometimes even as we get older) and "fitting in" sometimes means changing the way we speak, the way we dress, and (gasp!) even how we perform in school. There may be a tendency to underperform in school so as not to be singled out by teachers or bullies.

This chapter will encourage kids to continue to excel in spite of the taunting. If a child can buy in to the fact that "every attack is a cry for love in disguise," then they might be able to understand that bullies are often envious of achievement and do not always know how to articulate their feelings at such a young age. (And no, that is no excuse.)

Did you ever underperform in school just to fit in? If yes, how did it go? If not, did you ever consider it? What did you like about school? What didn't you like about school? Were you in any gifted programs? Were you teased because of it? Were you ever afraid to go to school? If you were teased by the neighborhood kids that didn't go to school with you, did you pretend like school wasn't that important?

Chapter 9: Thank Your Parents

Another coping mechanism is to Thank Your Parent(s). In the book, on of the exercises will be for children to write a thank you note to their parent(s) thanking them for ____________.

Please write a Thank You note to your parents.

I realize that we have MANY things to thank our parents for, but when writing, please remember to stay focused on the topic of "talking/acting White."

Harrassment Stats

Here are some statistics from a 2005 report on bullying:

Two-thirds (65%) of teens report that they have been verbally or physically harassed or assaulted during the past year (2005) because of their perceived or actual appearance, gender, sexual orientation, gender expression, race/ethnicity, disability or religion.

The reason most commonly cited for being harassed frequently is a student’s appearance, as four in ten (39%) teens report that students are frequently harassed for the way they look or their body size.

The majority (57%) of students who experience harassment in school, regardless of demographics or reasons for the harassment, never report these incidents of harassment to teachers or other school personnel. Although most teachers report that they would feel comfortable intervening if they observed harassment and many say they frequently have intervened, one in ten (10%) students who do not report these incidents don’t do so because they believe teachers or staff don’t do anything or are powerless to improve the situation.

If you were harrassed at school, did you ever tell a teacher or school official? What was the outcome? Do you think children should report harrassment about "talking/acting White," or do you think complaints would be swept under the rug? Do you think people (including school officials) take the subject of "talking/acting White" seriously? If yes, how? If not, why not?

Is There a Doctor in the House?

There is no way that I can complete this project without insights from professional child psychologists. According to Dr. Towne, a child psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia, "We all go through phases of dealing with our racial/ethnic identity either as the accuser or as the accused."

“As people of color, we often struggle with how we see ourselves and how well we relate to other members of our racial or ethnic group. Children in particular do whatever they must to avoid feeling marginalized. They know, sometimes instinctively, other times by personal experience (but mostly reminded by members of the dominant group and/or dominant culture) that they can never be White. Yet, they must find ways to become accepted by a dominant group that requires them to check their heritage and culture at the door, and by their own group that despises such a request. Children experience great pain and emotional distress navigating and negotiating between these worlds just to find themselves rejected by both. That is what it means to be marginalized. It is hard for a child to succeed in life without feeling marginalized at some point during their development. There is a fear of both losing one’s self and finding oneself.”

Any comments?

Chapter 8: III or LLL

When I originally made a list of the coping mechanisms I thought were appropriate for this book, one of them was: "Ignore Ignore Ignore." My business coach's immediate response was: "You should change it to: Love Love Love." I understand why he said that. Do you?

Does ignoring the taunting and teasing help you cope?

Do you think I would be turning a negative (ignore) into a positive (love) if made the chapter title more focused towards Love Love Love?

Do you think you could love a person (rhetorically speaking) that taunts you?

Chapter 7: Pray

No matter what your spiritual or religious beliefs are, prayer/meditation is the common denominator.

Coping Skill #7. Pray

If God had wanted me otherwise, He would have created me otherwise.

~Johann von Goethe

Is prayer or meditation a way to cope with being the target of thoughtless remarks? If yes, how so? If no, why not? Please list 7 things you would pray for or meditate about regarding the subject of talking/acting white.

How You Vent

We all have different ways that we release our frustrations. Some of us take tropical vacations (niiice), some of us work out, some of us have a hobby that takes our mind off of any challenges we might be trying to manage. Some of us use substances, write in a journal, scream out loud, or take long walks. Please list 5 ways that you personally vent and 5 ways you would tell a young person to vent.

Originally, Acknowledge Your Feelings and Vent were going to be two separate coping mechanisms. Do you think they should be separate chapters or do you think they should be together? Please give reasons for your answer.

Chapter 6: Create a Dialogue

The next coping mechanism is to Create a Dialogue. By creating a dilalogue in a non-confrontational way, it might possibly disarm the person tossing around the verbal insults, provoke insights, and might even possibly be a catalyst for change. Do you believe that to be true? If so, why? If not, why not? How would you create a dialogue? Kindly provide 10 soft non-confrontational responses to "You act/talk like a White girl." And then provide 5 candid responses (you know, what you'd REALLY like to say). LOL. And please don't look at the other comments BEFORE you give your responses. It's more fun that way...

Chapter 5: Like Minds & Friends

As we dig deeper into this discussion, you will likely come across a question that you think you have answered previously. If that is the case, I would like to ask that you re-consider the question and provide an answer that focuses specifically on the question presented. It is natural to go off on a bit of a tangent when you talk about emotional issues, but I'd like to try to get everyone to give the questions some thought before you answer (even if that means you need to go away and think about it for a day or two), and again to be as specific as possible. I'm not looking for a dissertation (LOL) and I acknowledge that sometimes short answers are enough, but I'm looking for meat. =)

I'd also like to say that the word "bully" in the context of this entire dialogue means teasing, taunting, name calling and/or being pushed around physically. By way of example, one focus group participant mentioned that she was never bullied, but in another post mentioned that she would go into her room crying when she was teased. I believe that there are degrees to bullying and being teased is certainly one of them. Hope that helps.

That being said...

Chapter 5: Hang out with Like Minds

or

Hang out with True Friends

What is a friend? I will tell you...it is someone with whom you dare to be yourself.

Frank Crane

Few delights can equal the mere presence of someone we utterly trust.

George MacDonald

Do most of the people you currently socialize with sound like you when they speak? What about when you were growing up? If there are some that don't sound like you, does it ever present a problem? Does everyone in your family speak the way that you do? Have any of your family members ever teased you? If so, how did/do you handle it? Have you ever lost a friend because he/she thought you were talking or behaving a certain way?

Have you ever or do you now avoid certain social situations? [Example: I know a 22 year old college graduate Brown Girl with a great job. Good head on her shoulders, etc. When she comes across a group of her African-American peers, she tends to shy away from the group for fear of being teased.]

Do you correct people (including family members) when they use English (or any language) improperly?

Which one of the two titles above would you suggest as a coping mechanism for a child needing a way to cope?

Chapter 4: Know Thyself

Chapter 4: Know Thyself

This above all: to thine ownself be true,

And it must follow, as the night the day,

Thou canst not then be false to any man.

-from William Shakespeare's Hamlet

If I have lost confidence in myself, I have the universe against me.
~Ralph Waldo Emerson
Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself.
~Harvey Fierstein
It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for something you are not.
~Andre Gide

Being yourself and knowing yourself are very different, do you agree?

If so, why? If not, why not?

Do you agree with the quotes above?

If so, why? If not, why not?

Which one resonates with you the most?

Chapter 3: Be Yourself

Chapter 3: Be Yourself

Be Yourself. Everyone else is already taken.

-Author unknown

He who trims himself to suit everyone will soon whittle himself away.

~Raymond Hull

We are so accustomed to disguise ourselves to others that in the end we become disguised to ourselves.

~François Duc de La Rochefoucauld

It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.

~e.e. cummings

Be a first rate version of yourself, not a second rate version of someone else.

- Judy Garland

As adults over 18, it's probably easier (not always easy) to decide to just go ahead and be yourself. Kids are usually dealing with peer pressure and just want to fit in. If you were bullied as a kid, did you change how you behaved to try to fit in? Did you change how you talk? Did you try to fit in in other ways? Did you become a loner or did you have a core group of friends?

At your current age, do you find yourself changing the way you talk or behave to fit a certain situation?

Chapter 2: Acknowledge Your Feelings

FYI: It is highly likely that these chapters are not in the order they will appear in the book. Nevertheless, the next coping mechanism is:

Chapter 2: Acknowledge Your Feelings

Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth.

~Benjamin Disraeli

Eyes that do not cry do not see.

–Swedish proverb

[P]eople will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

-Maya Angelou

There are a ton of feelings we all have surrounding this issue. Talk about yours. How does it feel when someone makes a thoughtless remark about their perception of your speech or behavior? Sad? Hurt? Angry? Frustrated? Nonchalant? How do you manage your feelings? Do you lash out? Do you hide your feelings or withdraw? Do you handle your feelings differently now than when you were a child?

Chapter 1: Consider the Source

Hola!

A news release about The Talking White Project went out on the African-American newswire yesterday and the Hispanic newswire today. I already have a few interviews scheduled and I want you to know that your input (without your personal info, of course) will be a part of any dialogue I have from here on out. It has begun. =)

So, now we're on to Chapter 1 of the book and coping point #1 is Consider the Source. Every chapter will start with a short quote relative to the coping point, and my business coach gave me a great quote that I think might be relevant:

Chapter 1: Consider the Source

Every Attack is a Cry for Love in Disguise

-Author Unknown

Almost all absurdity of conduct arises from the imitation of those whom we cannot resemble.

-Samuel Johnson

Kindly provide your thoughts relative to the quote. Do you believe it to be true? Do you know of a situation where you realized that the person that was name calling or saying you "talk/act White/Dutch/etc." might have been intimidated or threatened by you in some way? Do you think it is purely ignorance that causes people to attack? Do you think their attacks are really a reflection of how they might feel about themselves? Please share your thoughts and provide specific details and examples.

Also, if you have a quote that you think might be a fit for this Chapter, please post it as well.

Toodle-oo.

Post Out of Order

Sigh. The posts are out of order. I have no idea why, but I think it's because I started a draft of my latest post "Let's Get This Party Started!" before I posted the "My Life as an Oreo" post. Now I know. I hope this doesn't confuse anyone....

My Life as an Oreo

For those of you on the OBG Subscriber list, you know that today I sent out an email asking subscribers to become Followers on both the OBG blog (not this one) and on Twitter in exchange for an advance (free) copy of the preface to Talking White: 14 Ways to Cope with Thoughtless Remarks, the subject of our online focus group that begins this Monday. The preface - My Life as an Oreo - is available for you to read before the focus group gets started so that you can get a glimpse into the reason for the book and a glimpse into my personal experience that makes me qualified to write about this rather sensitive subject. Please feel free to join the OBG blog and/or Twitter for traditional OBG updates. In the meantime, here is My Life as an Oreo. Enjoy! I'm sure you'll be able to relate.

Tracey

1BG

Let's Get This Party Started!

Thank you again for being a part of this project. Let's get this party started!

As you know, the title of the book project you will be contributing to is Talking White: 14 Ways to Cope with Thoughtless Remarks. The title of the book is meant to be provocative enough to get people to pick it up...read it...consider the book's point of view...and then learn.

It is being written for several reasons, but the two most important are that (1) young developing children that are being bullied or singled out for proper use and enunciation of English (or any other language) need a way to cope; and (2) the people that are using these thoughtless remarks need to see how it affects and has affected both children and adults so that they will stop. The book will show kids that other people have had the same experience; and that there are some ways to cope. I don't pretend to have all of the answers, but I've got a few.

I hope you have had an opportunity to read the preface to the book - My Life as an Oreo. It seems that we have all had similar experiences and I venture to say there are tens of thousands (maybe more) of children and adults out there with the similar stories. This book (including the unwritten Introduction) is not about me. And that is why I put together this online focus group: to get ideas, motivation and quotes. It takes a village.

For the next four weeks, I will pose 4 to 6 questions per week that will require your response. I only ask that you respond to a minimum of 4 as I realize people are busy with their lives. Of course, all 6 would be great. Your honest, candid, thoughtful, emotional and often vulnerable remarks will be a valuable contribution to this project that you can be proud of. (Honesty is critical.) Your personal information (name, address, etc.) will NEVER be used. I will ask you privately for your permission to use your name in the book if necessary.

The only rules of the room are that you remain understanding, polite, and respectful. No product or service plugs. (I have already had to delete one Follower...heavy sigh.)

Since this is a gathering, I think introductions are necessary, don't you? =) Kindly respond to the following vital statistics and questions...and let's get this party started!

1. Age Range: 19 or under; 20-30; 31-40; 41-50; 51-60; Over 61


2. Male or Female


3. Occupation


4. Cultural background


5. City, State and Country you currently live in


6. City, State and Country you were born/raised in


7. Did you go to any schools with a predominately White student population? If so, what grade(s)?


8. Other than being told "you talk White" or "you act White," what are some of the negative comments (including name calling) that you have experienced relative to this subject matter?


9. Do you remember the first time someone told you that "you talk/act White"? If so, when?


10. When was the last time someone said you "talk/act White"?


11. Who usually tells you that you "talk/act White"? Is it friends, family, co-workers, strangers? Are they usually from the same cultural/ethnic background?


12. Do you have a regional or cultural accent or dialect?


13. Have you ever used the phrase "someone is talking/acting White" to describe someone(including yourself)? It's okay if you have. =)

Until next time...

Welcome!

Welcome to OneBrownGirl.com®'s first online focus group: "Talking White!" I am Tracey, the creator of OneBrownGirl.com® and the facilitator for this focus group. (That's not my picture down below. Just a welcoming smile. LOL.) If you have made it to this blog address, you have been selected to participate in what is very likely going to be an interesting (and emotional) dialogue about racial slurs. Based on your emails, we all have a number of things in common, one of which is our agrement that there is no such thing as "talking (or behaving) White." Yuk. Again, welcome, and thank you! I appreciate your point of view.

My story is like all of yours in that I grew up being bullied (because that's how I view it) by children, young adults and later older adults about the way that I speak and/or behave and based on my experiences and environment growing up. To put it simply -- and to use a popular colloquialism -- I'm over it!

I am working on a 'How To' book for young Brown Girls (and young Brown men) that find themselves in a similar situation and this focus group will be used for research. As you know, Brown runs the gamut from Latina to African to South Asian to Polynesian and a mix of any and all of these fabulous ethnicities. In addition, I will share the results of this blog (after it is completed) with OBG Subscribers in the interest of getting people to start thinking about how a few words can negatively affect a young person; and how that young person might carry those feelings into adulthood. There is much to discuss!

If you haven't done so already, kindly sign up as a Follower to this blog so that you can get information when it posts. We'll go over the basic requirements as soon as everyone that has been invited signs in. If you have any preliminary comments, please feel free to respond to the post thread. And although I'm sure I don't have to say this, please be polite and do not advertise or promote your product or services.

Again, welcome....and you'll hear from me again soon!

Tracey =)
OneBrownGirl.com®