The 10th coping mechanism is to Continue to Excel. There is a tendency to want to "fit in" when you're young (and sometimes even as we get older) and "fitting in" sometimes means changing the way we speak, the way we dress, and (gasp!) even how we perform in school. There may be a tendency to underperform in school so as not to be singled out by teachers or bullies.
This chapter will encourage kids to continue to excel in spite of the taunting. If a child can buy in to the fact that "every attack is a cry for love in disguise," then they might be able to understand that bullies are often envious of achievement and do not always know how to articulate their feelings at such a young age. (And no, that is no excuse.)
Did you ever underperform in school just to fit in? If yes, how did it go? If not, did you ever consider it? What did you like about school? What didn't you like about school? Were you in any gifted programs? Were you teased because of it? Were you ever afraid to go to school? If you were teased by the neighborhood kids that didn't go to school with you, did you pretend like school wasn't that important?
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I never considered doing less than my best. I was always teased about it. In my case I was told that I was trying to be white. Only white kids were on the honor roll, only they had advanced classes. I knew better. Education has always been important in my family. I have my great-grandmothers college diploma. She was definitely not trying to be white.
ReplyDeleteI was afraid to go to school. I was teased so badly my freshman year of high school that I considered suicide. Thank God my parents let me transfer schools. Even though it was really hard, I knew it was a deciding factor in my life. I am actually going back to school in the fall, Masters Degree here I come!
I never underperfomed in school. I never considered it because of the influence of my parents. My job as kid was going to school and making good grades. I knew that those grades were setting the stage for college acceptance and an attempt to have a good, independent life as a grown up. I knew that I had to go to college as my family gave me no other choice. Education had been a priority in my family for 4 or 5 generations and couldn't/wouldn't stop with me.
ReplyDeleteWhat I liked about school was mainly the classroom activity. In class, I was in my domain, learning, excellng, and feeling comfortable. I was in the gifted or rather advanced classes so excellence was abundant. I was involved in Band, 4H, Spelling Bee, Baton Twirling, etc., all through school so I loved that.
What I hated about school was lunch, PE (Physical Education), and breaks. These were times when things became more social centric and was ripe for harrassment or bullying. Needless to say, I learned to sit with people I was comfortable with at lunch and tried to avoid the "others". Sometimes I brough a home lunch and ate in the library. I spent breaks in the library studying. For PE, I just weathered through it.
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ReplyDeleteI never underperformed in school and was never tempted to do so because I always to strive for the best. Most of my classmates in grammar school and high school (some of whom were my friends) were in the same classes and earned the same grades, so I had a support system which allowed me to not give it a second thought to do anything less than my very best. This is what I liked and appreciated most about school. I didn't appreciate when the few "bad" students (unlike today when those students are more prevalent in the school system) gave teachers grief because that meant punishment for all of the class (even for a teacher's pet like me at times).
ReplyDeleteFor all of these reasons, education/school was always important to me. I was blessed to not be objected to excessive teasing for who I was as a student.
No... I never underperformed. I was always an over-achiever and I would like to encourage students reading this book to do the same thing. The best piece of advice that I can give is "When you are an eagle, don't hang with chickens because they can't fly. You have wings so you need to use them and SOAR.
ReplyDeleteI did try to underachieve in school to try to fit in. In 9th grade I decided I was going to be just like my neighborhood friends. I had already been placed in the gifted classes because of my performance in junior high, but I tried to do poorly in these classes. Mostly that meant not doing homework, coming in tardy, and ditching class A LOT. My grades really weren't that bad -- B's and some C's -- school was never very difficult for me. So even though I wasn't doing very much homework or participating in class, tests/quizzes and reports usually went pretty well. What caught up with me was the ditching. At some point 2nd semester the school called my mom at work and told her about my absences. That changed EVERYTHING! After that my mom called the school everyday to make sure I was there. I wasn't allowed to go out to football games or dances because she couldn't trust me anymore. And the worst part, I wasn't allowed to hang out with my friends anymore -- and all the teachers and A.P's knew about it, so at school I had to stay away from them and either be a loner or make new friends.
ReplyDeleteIt was the best thing my mom could've done for me. I made new friends that were also expected to do well in school, and it became a little easier to cope.
My neighborhood friends weren't mad at me, I still talked to them when I saw them around the way. Mostly everyone just thought I had a crazy mom, which was fine with her. She always said, "just blame it on me to your friends, I don't care what they think of me." Putting the blame on her deflected a lot.
I never considered not doing well in my schoolwork because I had the fear of God in me that my parents would not play that. Good grades were stressed and I saw the consequences of when those standards were not adhered to. My Dad was pretty scary to me at the time. I did alter my normal behavior in other ways to try and fit in. I smoked cigarettes and ditched a few classes when I thought I could get away with it. I always liked school and did pretty well. I was in a number of gifted classes and yes I was teased because of it. Even with the teasing and they was enough to bother me I knew that dealing with my Dad was far worse. I found a friend whose parents were likeminded (I guess we gravitated towards each other) and stuck it out with her. It worked an too many years later to mention we are still girls.
ReplyDeleteI never underperformed in school or even considered it, because I was too afraid of the consequences from my mom. My "job" as she put it was to go to school and do well. If even one grade slipped she would increase my study time and cut out shopping, talking on the phone, and time spent socializing with friends until she saw an improvement.
ReplyDeleteThe thing I always liked about school was learning new things; the thing I always disliked about school was the mountain of homework I always seemed to have.
I was in a gifted program in school, but I don't think there was any extra teasing because of that. The kids in my neighborhood knew I loved to read outside of my regular school work, so I was always used to being called a bookworm, and even sometimes a nerd.
I was never afraid to go to school, because the teasing came from the kids in my neighborhood not the kids from school. I never pretended that school wasn't important to me, because honestly at the time it wasn't. I did well in school, because good grades came fairly easy to me and because I knew I couldn't live peacefully or happily in my mom's house unless I excelled in school.
As the daughter of two educators, I never considered (or was allowed to) underperform in school. I loved school - my teachers, the chance to be with friends, the opportunity to learn new things.
ReplyDeleteI was in the gifted program, and took AP courses. I was teased about it in Middle School only - not in Elementary or High School. I think that those who were "concerned" weren't aware of the difference when we were younger, and had come to peace with it by High School.
I never pretended like school wasn't important. Everyone knew that my focus was getting into the college of my choice, but it wasn't something that I discussed constantly, either.
-Did you ever underperform in school just to fit in? If yes, how did it go?-
ReplyDeleteNever. That never occurred to me (and thank goodness for that). One thing I did do, however: I immediately put any tests in my backpack or folder without looking at them when the teacher passed them back. I wouldn’t let anyone else see them because kids would suck their teeth at me or look disgusted. And if I didn’t look at the grade, then I wouldn’t have an answer for them when they asked me what I got. I just shrugged. Strangely, that worked.
-What did you like about school? What didn't you like about school?-
I loved learning, and I loved seeing my friends. Because I was a shy kid, I didn’t have much of a social life outside of school, so it was the one place when I would see everyone. I also loved boys. From afar. ;>
My high school experience was wonderful, and there wasn’t much that I didn’t like, though my teen brain was slightly attuned to the fact that I was one of the few black and Latino kids in the honors and advanced placement classes. I now recognize the injustice of the tracking of the other students of color and it fuels the education work I do now. My 1-3 years were good; though 5-8 grade was racked with minefield of bullying, being ostracized, discovering boys, and a weird, protracted dispute my mom had with one of my teachers who was teaching us math incorrectly. I lost all my friends because of that.
-Were you in any gifted programs? Were you teased because of it? Were you ever afraid to go to school?-
I was always in gifted programs, but I don’t remember being teased. I was afraid to go to school at various points in 6-8 grades because of bullies, or on the flip side, being shunned (it was a tiny school, so if the Queen Bee turned against you, all the kids turned against you, including the boys).