When I originally made a list of the coping mechanisms I thought were appropriate for this book, one of them was: "Ignore Ignore Ignore." My business coach's immediate response was: "You should change it to: Love Love Love." I understand why he said that. Do you?
Does ignoring the taunting and teasing help you cope?
Do you think I would be turning a negative (ignore) into a positive (love) if made the chapter title more focused towards Love Love Love?
Do you think you could love a person (rhetorically speaking) that taunts you?
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I do understand why your coach's response was love, love love. It is so much easier to ignore but it does not solve the problem. If you love the person rather than ignore them hopefully love will show them the error of their ways. Love conquers all, including ignorance, but I will admit it is not an easy road to take especially when dealing with difficult people.
ReplyDeleteIgnoring behavior can sometimes give the perception of supporting it. Sometimes, people just don't know any better and if we engage them in conversation about their ignorance, they will learn and change. Sometimes people know that they are being mean and don't want to change. As a human, I don't think I can love someone who taunts me. I refuse to hate them because that takes too much energy. I can see praying for them though. I do know from experience that when people are mean to me and I respond in kindness, it throws them for a loop. Sometimes they expect one to stoop to their level and engage in childish behavior. I don't think that ignore ignore ignore is the best coping mechanism. equally, I don't think that love love love is either. Love sounds good but is difficult to implement. Tactfully engaging people in conversation and giving them a different perspective to think about is good.
ReplyDeleteI think I do understand why your business coach prefers "Love Love Love": because ignoring isn't always the sulotion. Sometimes ignoring doesn't make the problem/pereson go away, it only means you are not reacting to hurtful comments.
ReplyDeleteSometimes, though, I do think ignoring is the sulotion. You need to close off the people that hurt you and choose for yourself. Sf course you can feel bad, even if you choose to ignore the taunting, because you still hear it, you just don't react on it.
When I was bullied a long time a go I did ignore a lot of comments, I might heared them but I sure didn't pay attention to it. I have to be honest and say of course those comments hurted, but I think I did the right thing by ignoring them because I made myself not care about the comments. I cared more about what my parents, my sisters, my friends thought than what some annoying classmate said.
I do think "Love" is more positive than "Ignore", but I definitely think it will maybe be harder to get for some people because "loving" is so much harder than "ignoring".
If a person taunts me I would not be able to love them. I mean: I really dislike taunting, unless it is in a loving, joking way. Than it is okay, but in the context of what this book is going to be, I personally couldn't be able to love someone that puts other people or myself to the misery of taunting.
I agree with your coach about love instead of ignore. It is something I have been struggling with myself lately. It is easier for me to simply ignore the person, but sometimes people mistake silence for agreement. It is difficult to find the patience to endure thoughtless comments and discuss them in a kind manner. However, I realize that if more people don't take the time to be more loving, things will never change.
ReplyDeleteI truly admire people who can continue to be loving and kind toward people who taunt them, and make insulting remarks. This is still a struggle for me, but I hope to overcome it somedday.
I personally ignore the few family members or others who make the negative comments to me, but it is counterproductive in the long run. Although I may try to laugh it off, deep inside, it still bothers me. But I decided to confront my friend about his friend who made a negative comment a few weeks ago. This was my stand for all the comments I've ever heard and wanted to say something, but didn't for some reason. It ended in an argument, but I had to do it.
ReplyDeleteThe chapter should be entitled "Love Love Love" because you can only ignore an issue or someone so much before the melting pot of insults tips over.
I love people in general (even those who insult me, especially my family), but it doesn't necessarily mean I like them at that moment or the words that are coming out of their mouths.
I can understand the "Love, Love, Love" title...it's kinda like when a victim of a crime forgives the offender...
ReplyDeleteIs it in me personally to love my attacker? So far, no. I am 39 years old and I STILL occasionally think about my high school days and the kids in my classes that made me feel bad...and I can't stand them! I often wish that I could go back to that time knowing what I know now...and defend myself. Say something to them, and not hide by pretending that I was half white.
But I can also see how forgiving and finding love for your tormenter can bring great peace. Maybe within the chapter coming up with steps on how to reach that place will help...I know I need it.
"Ignore, Ignore, Ignore"...this is something parents and teachers tell their kids about being teased or bullied. But as a kid who went through it and to some extent still goes through it...you don't really ignore it. Or CAN'T really ignore it. You can act like you don't care...but it always goes deeper than that, you always feel something inside.
So maybe the title should be, "Trying to Ignore, but steps to Loving instead"
Love, Love, Love. It is a difficult thing to do, but it is in your best interest not to ignore the person (and your feelings), and to show them love. Most bullies will not allow themselves to be ignored, and tend to escalate the situation. If love is shown, perhaps that can both diffuse the taunting and also create the possibility for dialogue.
ReplyDeleteLove, Love, Love is the best title for this chapter. I agree with EricaLF that love is the best response for someone that is teasing you even when its difficult to do. You never know how your outward expression of love and compassion could help the person change for the better. If you ignore the person/problem, chances are the person will continue to tease other people. Love the person and change the person!
ReplyDeleteI agree LLL is the way to go. Nothing is ever resolved by ignoring--just delaying the inevitable. At least through love there is a chance of a teachable moment. While I believe ignore is more realistic, the title love would read hopeful.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I do believe that sometimes this "moment" is null and therefore, by not giving attention (i.e. power) to a negative attention seeker it would squash the situation. While I know that I am suppose to love all, it is hard at times. Therefore, I try to love from a distance.
-Does ignoring the taunting and teasing help you cope?-
ReplyDeleteTo a certain extent…but at the same time I feel bad because I didn’t take the time to challenge the person’s assumptions (respectfully), or make myself heard, which could be a teachable moment.
-Do you think I would be turning a negative (ignore) into a positive (love) if made the chapter title more focused towards Love Love Love?-
I would encourage you to keep both concepts in the book, perhaps including the anecdote about your business coach’s suggestion. I think that young people are likely to get advice about “ignoring,” so it would be great if the book included it, but expounded on the idea of trying to love or accept (from a distance) the aggressor. Ignore is negative, but, again, I think it’s advice kids get (or so a rudimentary, non-scientific search for “how to deal bullies” on Google is any indication).
-Do you think you could love a person (rhetorically speaking) that taunts you?-
That’s been incredibly important for me to keep my positive identity as an African-American woman. I mentioned in another post that I know folks who’ve essentially turned their back on their communities because of scarring from taunts like “talking/acting white.” It was imperative for me to embrace members of my community – even the ones who make it hard. If I’m asking them to accept my supposed “diversity” or being different, then I need to accept theirs as well.